Causes of My Stuttering

Recently I made a post about the causes of stuttering and reminiscences from my childhood just flooded me.

So I decided to share my personal story about causes of my stuttering.

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At school in the first, second and third grades we had a boy in my class who stuttered very severely.

I began to make sounds longer, like “I will go-o-o-o there tomorrow.” I didn’t pay any attention to that. At times, I could control it, at times it looked like I couldn’t. I was surprised to learn that another guy in my class who came with normal speech spoke normally began to stutter as well. So that proves to me that it was the cause or one of the causes of my stuttering.  Back then, I was one of the leaders in my class. I loved to play with my friends all day long. I was so full of energy. No fixation whatsoever on the impediments so far.

At 10 years old, I fell off the tree. I hit a stone with my head right here. Thank God, I survived. I stayed in the hospital for three months. I was not allowed to even read so my brain could rest. You see the doctor ordered complete rest for me. After that incident, I guess I got slower in speaking and thinking. My memory got worse. They gave me injections to stimulate my brain, to make it work better. I think it was one of the causes of my stuttering. Because I vividly remember myself stuttering after that.

When I was 11, our family moved to another country for a couple of years. Moving far away and getting used to a new environment was quite stressful for me. I left all my friends., The new school was not so good., In fact, one of the students tried to commit suicide at school because his father beat him regularly. Some of the students were tough guys, They beat up those who were not so strong or tough.

One day, one of the boys suddenly jumped at me. He knocked me down, and we clamped together. I was just beginning to free myself and was about to get on top of him when teachers and other students took us apart.

Technically, I didn’t lose. But, the attack was so sudden and unexpected that fear crept into my heart. I couldn’t help it; it just stayed there. That fear was the final trigger I think for my stuttering. I clearly remember myself stuttering since then. You know why? Because since then I began to hide it., I got so conscious about hiding it. That guy kept trying to harass me after that. He kept taking my pen and waited to see what I would do. I didn’t fight him. I did get my pen back somehow, but we didn’t fight anymore after that. I could let him or the other tough guys in the class know that I stutter. I didn't want to give them a chance to make fun of me. The main thing that happened after was that I reduced the amount of my speaking dramatically. That fear, that desire to hide the impediment began to feed and support stuttering. It was not the whole thing, but it’s one of the major pieces of it.

Two years later, I came back to my school. Now I was a completely different person. I was no longer a leader of my class., I was just someone sitting in the corner., I didn’t play, and didn't hang out with friends., I didn’t have friends anymore, and I became a total introvert. Reading all the time, and spending time with my books. I became a studying nerd. While in the first grades when I was so active, I had mostly C’s or even E’s. Now I had only A’s and just some B’s. I became a much better student, with much higher academic performance. You can call it a positive side of stuttering. 

My parents didn’t understand stuttering at all. My mom was shocked when she found it out one day. She was like, ”What was that?” Like I broke my leg or something. It caused a feeling of shame and guilt in me. My dad, to the contrary, didn’t want to hear about that. “Come on, what happened to you, grab yourself” pretending as if we don’t have a problem. He silenced my mom each time she wanted to raise that the issue. Both approaches, giving too much attention to it and pretending that there’s no problem, reinforced my stuttering further because in both cases they strengthened my guilt and desire to hide the impediments by any means.

My stuttering got worse and worse. I attained a firm fixation on it. Every time I thought about speaking, everything inside me started trembling. My heart was jumping out of my chest. Whenever I had to speak in class, I couldn’t think about what I was saying. I just focused on my stuttering. I didn’t hear myself because there was thunder in my ears and lightning in my eyes. Then I crawled back home feeling empty and burned out. And happy that I don’t need to do it again until tomorrow. 

So what was the cause of it and could I escape it somehow? What if I didn’t have that stuttering guy in my class, or didn’t fall off the tree or didn’t have that fight, that incident that brought fear into my heart?

Well, all these things are called “life.” There could have been other triggers.

By the way, do I have relatives who stutter? Yes, I have an uncle who has a severe stuttering. So does heredity makes me predisposed so I would stutter anyway? Maybe it’s a fundamental factor that I just don’t see?

When I was 20, I set a goal for myself to become fluent. I gave myself 1 year. By the end of that year, I didn’t go far. When I was 27 I went through a couple of treatments that didn’t work at all. Then I found a method that I just knew must work. I improved greatly but had to come back to that therapy several times. It took me years to come to the point where I am now.

I don’t want to overwhelm you in this post. If you want to go deeper into the method and learn how you can get free from stuttering I’m inviting you to my Improve program. It’s totally free. 

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